A third way of parenting

About a year before our first son was born we started looking for books on parenting. It seemed to us at the time that the people we knew with really fussy kids recommended attachment parenting books. The things they said made sense, but we didn't want kids who cried all the time like theirs. They couldn't go anywhere. Their whole lives revolved around what made their baby feel good. In contrast we knew some people with really laid back babies, who seemed to go with the flow. Their schedule was predictable, and mom and dad were in control of activities. These parents all recommended the book Baby Wise. So this is what we went with.

I read the whole book, and made a plan before Efrim got here. But somehow in all of this we tried our best to follow Baby Wise, and ended up with one of those screaming kids anyway. I tried to feed Efrim on the schedule they recommended, but he always acted like he was starving. I tried to get him on a nap routine, and he fought tooth and nail. I was always going against what I felt like I should do. Parents are supposed to impose structure they said, your baby needs you to tell him what to do when in order to feel secure, but this didn't work for us. Efrim was unhappy, I was unhappy.

So when we got pregnant with Julian we read The Attachment Parenting Book. It had a lot of helpful information, but I ended up loving another book even more. Breastfeeding and Natural Child Spacing surprisingly became my favorite. I was looking for a little bit of help with spacing our children without relying on oral contraceptives or using condoms all the time. I humored the fact that it was written from the perspective of, "This is the way the Church (catholic) says we should space our children." But what I found was a lot of the same principles as I found in attachment parenting literature, but with a purpose. We don't listen to our instincts because it prevents obesity and keeps our children from becoming sociopaths, but because God gave our babies the tools to communicate and he gave us the hormonal/instinctual responses that we were supposed to have.

Then came the feminist backlash. While Julian was in my belly, or a tiny baby in my arms I started coming across these articles protesting that attachment parenting was reversing the tide of feminism and shackling women back to their home and babies. I wrote these off as ridiculous. Children are a blessing, It's selfish to neglect them in order to pursue your own career. Someone has to raise them, and if it's not you it's a professional nanny, and what does that do to feminism? She said early feminists dreamed of children being raised in communal kitchens and nurseries, and equated this to the modern marvel of daycare -- yuck. And yet, while I haven't changed my mind about these initial responses, I began to ache, and chafe under the constraints of being a live in nanny/day care planner in my own home. My kids are my first ministry. Absolutely. But does that mean that for the next 25 years they are my only ministry, my only vocation?

I began to see that I was not a good parent to my kids when I was an unhappy person. I saw that by postponing my other callings until my kids were independent, I was putting at least half of who I was as a person on a shelf to wait for later. By some happy accidents, and a lot of tortured nights awake, I began to rediscover the parts of me I'd been missing. I'd thought I had to choose. It was almost too easy to go back to school. Logsdon's program, while making our lives a lot busier, really has not disrupted my parenting at all. And I've found that when I am a lot happier, even when I am just as tired, my kids are happier too.

Photo from WrapYourBaby.com

As I embraced both parts of my identity I began to have more grace for my friends who thrive on turning their homes into perfect baby centered Montessori preschools, and also for my friends who were leaving eight week old babies at day care to return to work. But neither of these was me. Where did I fall into all of this. I felt like there had to be a way for RJ and I to do ministry and art and academic work with our kids in tow. I knew this was best for us, I had a feeling it was best for them, and I really believe it is best for the people we interact with also. But in a world telling me my kids should be in the nursery so they aren't distracting, or that I shouldn't be taking them somewhere that is just for my benefit in the first place, where was I getting this idea. Clearly there are two worlds; big people world, and kids world, and the two should never meet, except for the stay at home moms and day care workers who are trapped in kid world.

Then it hit me, the reason I thought this would work. I was raised like this. My parents had a calling to engage in culture missionally, but they also had a conviction that it was their responsibility to raise their children themselves, not to delegate that to someone else. They didn't need to be separated from us in order to do their work, and they didn't let a prescribed list of kid-friendly activities dictate their plans. And I wouldn't trade that upbringing for anything. I realize it may limit the churches or para-church ministries that will hire me, it will shape the way we build a business, and it will often be offensive to people that we "brought kids here." But our work and our kids are not separate parts of our lives. This used to be the norm, worldwide, when babies rode in slings while Mom got her work done, and helped out from the time they learned to walk. So our work isn't farming anymore. If we think it's valuable and stimulating I think they will too. I did.

I'm just trying to take some frugal, organizing steps.

O Jerusalem, Jerusalem

Listening to Matisyahu sing "Jerusalem" on the way home from New Testament always gets to me. I remember Dr. Lyle's earnestness in speaking of Paul's yearning for the salvation of his fellow Jews. He says in Romans 9:1-5 that he would give his own salvation if it meant that his brethren could accept the gospel.

He always gets a little wistful when he talks about Paul sitting on the shore at Corinth, his heart wanting to go to Rome, but feeling compelled to take the offering of the Gentile churches to the church in Jerusalem himself. I never understood why until tonight -- his heart being pulled two ways at once, and I'll never read Romans again without seeing the fingers laced with Jerusalem.

I feel with Paul because I see in the lives of those I love most dearly -- those who share my own heritage -- I see every one who was left dead inside by a Church who keeps a smile while with abuse behind closed doors, I see every one who heard no shortage of judgement, but ultimately failed to receive the answers to the questions that haunted the most, every one who gave all they had to give and then watched as the Church turn her back when there was nothing left, every one who was told faith is something we do at home but it doesn't really effect our choices, every one who just has so much hurt that letting down those walls is more than anyone can bear.

I see Jesus standing on the hill as he walks deliberately toward his own death saying, "O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the city that kills the prophets and stones those who are sent to it! How often would I have gathered your children together as a hen gathers her brood under her wings, and you would not!"
I hear this song, and I see Paul and Jesus and Israel and the ones my heart loves and I would give my own salvation to undo the hurt and gather them under the wings of the Lord.

Amazima

Amazima means truth in Luganda. Katie Davis, Ugandan expat, Mommy, and founder of Amazima Ministries says in her book,

For more information go to Amazima.org or KissesFromKaite.blogspot.com.

Also check out http://www.howtoadopt.org.

I have been working and working on our Real Food/Weston A. Price diet, but I think the Barnett house is about to take a different approach to food budgeting. In Katie's book she tells a story of being home on a fund raising trip, in her parent's suburban home with abundantly full pantries, when her newest daughter said to her over the phone, "Thank you for food, Mommy. Today I am still alive." What if we all ate the same types of simple meals people eat all over the world, not starving, just simpler, and gave the difference in our food budget to those who don't have any at all. It's just a baby step in living simply, so that others can live.

Lucy's Birth Story

You know when you keep having all of those symptoms you had with your past pregnancies, and even though it's improbable, and you know your paranoid self took four pregnancy tests before you were actually expecting the last one, you can't quit thinking you may be pregnant, and you can't take a test yet, so you just have to live in limbo? That's where I have been this week, and also tired and sick, and with a lot of toddler screaming.

So even though I have spent the last two weeks hoping to start trying again in August, just because I need a baby to hold so much, and it would make Lucy's place in our family so concrete if there was the same spacing as we've had so far, I have been on a real roller coaster with trying to wrap my mind around everything that would be involved with actually being pregnant again right now.

In the midst of that I swear I have come across like 6 birth stories this week, and I have been so emotional. You know when something makes you feel so strongly, and you can't quite put your finger on it until you are trying to figure out how to explain it to someone else? That is why I am writing this tonight. Because RJ is exhausted (like I am too), and I will cry less and get less of a headache writing it than talking out loud anyway.

I keep thinking of my births. How special it really is. Sometimes I think people like my friend Tori are so crazy to get excited even about other people's births, but for the first time I keep thinking about how amazing those moments are. Working so hard, and then right when it is more than you think you can stand, it's over, and you are holding the most amazing thing you will ever experience, and no matter how many you already have, your family is completely new all over again.

I keep thinking that, and just being so angry that all of that was ruined with my special girl. I just want to scream at the injustice of that moment turning in to, the panic in RJ's voice begging and pleading with our daughter too breathe, begging God to help her, to help us, the neighbors rushing in to see me completely exposed, and the paramedics taking Lucy and RJ away from me, and the boys screaming as Mary Beth and Leah, who just showed up to relax and watch tv, closing their to try and protect their innocent hearts from the horror going on around them, and the police questioning Betsy and I, and the endless minutes setting up an IV and heart monitors on me, a perfectly healthy person before they would follow my baby, and knowing every minute I got to hold her that it would never be enough…

As I read these amazing birth stories, and think of those moments I shared with Lucy. I never really got what these women who advocate unassisted birth were going on and on about. How it made them feel so empowered as women. I thought they were just arrogant, and extreme, and wanted to do everything themselves, because they felt they needed to prove something. But completely not according to any plan I had an unassisted birth, and for a few moments, I understood where they are coming from.

Even though Lucy's one and a half hour birth was so intense, and completely unexpected in so many ways, I felt so much more present than with the boys. I don't know if empowering, is the word, but what an incredible experience. In those moments of the last few pushes I suddenly realized that the baby I hadn't been sure I was having real labor with 15 minutes ago would be here in seconds. I reached down and felt the top of her head only an inch inside of me, in one push it was out, and I felt the cord and unwrapped it, and caught her tiny body in the next push. All By Myself. Just the two of us. For the first time I wasn't a passive, barely conscious, bystander in the act of my child's coming into the world. That was the most incredible moment of my life. A moment that should have been life.

Instead it was death, and I am still not really sure what to do with that. I am so angry that I don't get to have her, to know her, that every precious stage my sons go through is one of hers I will never see. I want her more than I want anything. I still feel some times like I can't go on living without her being a part of my life. But some times, most of the time, I am completely numb. I can't feel like it is real any more. I can hardly remember holding her. And that is so much worse than all of the pain when I miss her. That's why I'm telling this, and one other reason.

All this week, as I've thought about our birth together, Lucy's and Mine, I've so bitterly resented the way the enjoyment of that moment has bee so utterly destroyed for me, but tonight, as I lay next to my husband, exhausted, yet unable to sleep, it occurred to me, not to think of it as a moment that was ruined by what followed, but as a gift. The only thing Lucy could give me, something God gave me to salvage what I could of her cruelly short life. It doesn't bring her back. Sometimes, when I reach an important moment like this in my healing, just for a moment, I feel as if I have won, I have arrived, that was the point of all of this, so I can have her back now right? Unfortunately it doesn't work like that, and my arms are still empty, but I have a few things to hold onto, and even in her death, Lucy has given me, through this memory, one more thing to hold on to, even though it is just a moment.

The Myth of Expensive Cloth Diapers part 2

Spend your money on what shows. If you have $2500 to spend on cloth diapers, go for it. I talked about in the last post why I don't think that that is a waste. But most of us don't have that kind of money.

The majority of the fanciest diapers on the market today are what are called fitted diapers. They snap or velcro on like a disposable diaper, but they don't have a waterproof layer. So you spend $28 on what is a really gorgeous diaper, and then you put a cover on it. Only mom or dad sees it. It's job is to be absorbent, that's it.

So here's my philosophy of diapers. Choose what you put on the inside (the absorbent part) for what it FEELS like, and splurge on what will show.

A lot of people do this by using wool covers. Wool is natural, breathable, and can be dyed, knitted, and crocheted into the craziest pants you've ever seen. It also has to be hand washed. That alone is not bad, and don't hear me saying here that wool is a bad option at all, but using knit or crocheted wool pants as a diaper cover is just not for us. I'll post another day about wool interlock, but in general this is not a convenient option for a lot of people.

Most people need to use something with a PUL waterproof layer that can be easily laundered, and used again and again- something that can survive jumps in a mud puddle, sliding down the concrete stairs, running through the weeds- something that looks like a diaper.

So why, when people are spending as much as $45 on elaborate fitted diapers, are 99.99% of the PUL covers on the market something utilitarian, with white edge binding, bulges from poor fit, snap down adjustable rises, and basically ugly and boring?

Why don't we spend out money on something that shows? That's what Diaper Circus is here for.

We make fabulously soft, trim, and absorbent diapers. They fold in easy peasy, and then you put them in a cover that is a riot of color.

I am very picky about the fabric selection for our covers. If it is only cute because they are a baby, it will not make the cut around here. And as far as custom goes, the sky is the limit. Those hand dyed fitted diapers in the last post are beautiful, but what if that was on the outside? I will hand dye your bamboo velour or jersey, for rich vibrant solids, or a rainbow, and then we can add a pocket, or ruffles, or a monogram, or Alabama Chanin style appliqué.

I want your baby to be wearing something really special!

Remember when everything a baby wore or slept with was lovingly hand made by family and friends? Most of us don't have the time or skill to do that any more, but we can share the work with one another. There is an enormous network of work at home moms, who can make just about anything you dream up for your baby. Doesn't your baby deserve the best? And you can do it for less than you would be spending on trash.

Cost of Diapers, A Second Look OR The Myth of Expensive Cloth Diapers part 1

A while back there was a thread on diaperswappers.com called "the prettiest diaper you've ever seen", or something to that effect. There were dozens of opinions on what makes a cute diaper, but one particular post got a lot of attention.

A mama had had 24 diaper cuts dyed in custom colorways by talented textile dyer, Tickety Bu. The smallest of Tickety Bu's items range from $14-20, so I'm guessing that she would normally charge $10-12 for a diaper cut without any sewing done to it. Then the mama had these cuts sewn into fitted diapers. Now, a lot of WAHMs are charging around $28 for this type of fitted, but even if she chose someone on the cheaper end of the spectrum that is about $18 each. Both of these artisans may have given her a volume discount, but we are probably talking about $670 dollars on a diaper stash, and she still needs to cover these with something waterproof, and they are sized, so she probably needs two more sets. I'm guessing that someone who orders this fancy of a diaper is covering it with wool, not some tacky mass produced PUL cover by bummis or thirsties, so that is like $40 each for 4-6 covers per size. Overall you are looking at $2500 birth to potty cloth diapering stash.

When I first did this math, I am coming from the perspective that you can build an adequate diaper stash for a tenth of this, much less if you are on a budget, can sew, buy used, etc. Don't people use cloth diapers to save money?

But, think about it. The average family will spend that much or more on disposables for one child. At the very least she is breaking even, only her money is going to moms, to artists, allowing them to stay home with their kids. Her child is wearing the best of the best, and every piece was given hours of care, and attention to every detail. Aside from that, she can use these for multiple children, she will probably get half of her money back selling them used, and they will probably never end up in a landfill.

With accurate averages I can show you that cloth will save you around $2000 per child, but it really doesn't have to to be worth it.