It is no secret that RJ and I are barely making it right now. I really don't want to talk about it that much, to advertise, or place our burdens on other people as well, but it seems to always come out like word vomit.
It is just so much of what occupies my mind lately. I really try to play it down, because we are okay, but the wrong words always come out. In the midst of another story last night I mentioned not liking to leave leftovers at restaurants because we rarely have enough food at home. My mom sent me home with all of the leftovers in their refrigerator. I hate when this happens.
This is the real story. When I balance our checkbook these days, or sit down to pay bills on pay day, it is very discouraging. We seem to have an impossibly small amount left over every time. It is true that I cut our list down to nothing and we went to the grocery store the other night with $15 plus WIC (which made up the difference on a $42 tab). Our refrigerator was almost completely empty when we left home.
God truly does provide our daily bread. I often do not know what we are going to eat tomorrow, but even with an insatiable toddler and a pregnant woman at home all day we never go without a meal.
Why is this not the story that pours out when I am talking to people? I honestly don't want our choices to become a financial burden on our family and friends. If I tell you that we are broke, it is just because "being careful" is what's in my head all day. It si hard having conversations with people and they say, "Well you just need (ant poison, baby benadryl, vitamins, camera charger, a date...)" and having to fess up that we have $0, without them feeling like they should help. I want to be better at sharing that WE ARE OKAY. God provides our every need. And sometimes my parents help, bless them. I wish we were not an additional strain on their own tight budget. I don't want them to give us money, but then I sometimes don;t know what we would do without it. Sometimes God provides for our needs in ways that make us uncomfortably humble, but that is not my story today.
Do you ever find yourself telling the tough part of a story, and never managing to fit in the part where God saves the day, ever day? Why is it so hard for us to get this part out?